Where has that arm been?

1. “right to tattoo my left forearm from elbow to wrist”

Number of Bids: 0

For a donation of 5 million dollars US confirmed in the bank account of Gorilla Repertory Theater Company, Inc. (www.gorillarep.org), a registered US and NYC charity,  I will give you the right to have my left forearm tattooed by a professional tattoo artist of my choice with whatever you want it to say, subject to my prior approval.

Here’s the thing.  If I was the type of guy who had an extra $5 million laying around I can see myself taking this brave fellow up on his offer.  Sure, it’s a lot of money, but the satisfaction of giving this guy an enormous Creed tattoo, or maybe a graphic illustration of a naked John Goodman would be worth a few chuckles.

Wait a minute.  This guy, who wants FIVE MILLION DOLLARS, has restrictions.

NO hate slogans or hate symbols, do not even ask.

What about, um… I Hate CGI Smurfs?

This ain’t worth it. Too many restrictions.

Next, please.

I can see the future, and I'm broke

2. $111,000 TITUBA The Salem Witch QUARTZ CRYSTAL Ball

It’s…um… a crystal ball? Is it magic? It must be magic. You can buy magic crystal balls on Ebay? Even a Muggle like me? Now, $111,000 seems like a lot of money, but maybe it can predict winning lottery numbers or something, which would make it a pretty good investment.

Let’s read about it.

1 Once in a MILLION year occurrence (certainly once in a lifetime) crystal ball named TITUBA.

Tituba is a sphere of genuine natural quartz crystal (NOT man made). What sets her apart from your ordinary run of the mill crystal ball is that below her polished surface can clearly be seen the naturally occurring silhouette of the Salem Witch soaring above a yellow moon!

So…it’s kinda the Wiccan equivalent of a piece of toast with the questionable image of Jesus on it or something?

It does have free shipping though. I’ll put this one on the back burner.

Number of bids: 0

Worf also sounds like barf

3.RARE Star Trek Troi & Worf Plate Set of 2- Only 6 Made!

Here’s how this went down.

Scene: Two people working in a Star Trek Comemmerative Plater Factory

Person One: Who would want to eat off of Worf’s face?  It looks like a Gila monster that was run over on the highway last week.

Person Two: I love you.  Let’s get married.

End scene.

Also, $10,000??? I can see three easy payments of $19.99 at best.

Pass.

I look pretty in makeup

4. Greenday green day Video concert footage 1991 45min

Dude, I have a VHS of Green Day performing in 1991.  Give me $100,000 for it.

“But… what if you’ve made copies?”

Dude, I totally didn’t.  Pinky swear.

“Sounds good to me!”

$12m of creepy

5. Rare Horsman Put On My Make-Up Pert N Pretty Doll 03361

Twelve. Million.  Dollars.

I’m just going to let the seller speak for themselves here:

Very Rare Horsman Doll

Put On My Make-Up Doll!

Vintage and Rare.

Still in original box.

Box has a tear on top right.

3 make-up items are in the box,

but not in their original slots.

truly rare doll. Box never opened.

Pert N Pretty

Comes with Comb set and style my hair.

Style number 03361

Made in USA

Any reasonable offer accepted.

YES, it is $12-mill or best offer.

And here I was, excited that it was maybe one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse or something.  Nope, just some creepy doll.  O

I’ve determined that it is extremely important that I begin writing again in my blog on a daily basis.  For what is a writer who doesn’t write?  Just a person, I guess, but the thing is that I have been so busy and/or lazy that I’ve become one of those people who claims that they are working on some opus, but really spend their time at the computer reading about Justin Bieber (who?  I had to research him.  Apparently all of the twelve year old girls and creepy middle-aged basement dwelling men can’t get enough of him).

Irresistable

The problem is thus: What to write about when there is nothing to write about?  How does one get over, if not writer’s block, then writer’s apathy?  I’m using the time-honored method of actually writing about it as a subject, but it’s something for me to work out if I’m going to be generating new material on a daily basis.

I had a few old chestnuts on my previous blog that

What're you lookin' at?

I’d toss out when I couldn’t be bothered to write something original– Best of Craigslist, furious rants about the Bush administration, weird picture or video of the day…

But I think it’s time to stretch a little.

I was reminded about the time I visited the Foreverton in Wisconsin.  It was a good excuse to go and have an adventure which would in turn generate something to write about.  I’m going to have acupuncture today for the first time.  Perhaps something will go horribly wrong and therefore give me some writing material.  Who knows?

On Sunday morning I sat down to breakfast at the Java Cafe in Baraboo, Wisconsin. I ordered a spinach and feta omelette and a cup of coffee. I opened the local newspaper, the Baraboo News Republic. The main story on the front page was as follows: “Custard Connoisseur Captures Contest Title: Baraboo mom’s creation debuts this weekend at Culver’s.” Seems that a local woman won a contest to create an original flavor of frozen custard to be featured at Culver’s, which is a chain family restaurant. But I wasn’t in Baraboo to try frozen custard.

I was there to see the Forevertron.

Last month I decided to take a road trip by myself over Labor Day weekend. I chose Wisconsin as the state of choice, rented a car, and basically just took off. The only destination I had in mind was something my neighbor had mentioned to me on Friday, some crazy sculpture in a town called Baraboo. Since it seemed logical to drive 250 miles to see something odd, I decided to go for it.

Armed with a tent, a sleeping bag, an iPod, a few changes of clothes, and a Google Maps printout of how to get to Baraboo, I took off.

I made it to Madison by dusk. When I was a teenager, I worked in a Boy Scout camp for a few summers, and if we were lucky, someone who was sixteen would drive us down to Madison for the weekend. I haven’t been there since then, and it was fun to see the places I remembered. I also happened to show up during the Taste of Madison, so the streets were teeming with drunkards, college students, and drunk college students (is there any other kind?). I stayed the night in a quote unquote one star hotel I found on Hotwire (at least it was cheap), and set off first thing in the morning for the Forevertron.

I ate breakfast in town. I had realized that I had gotten directions to the town, but neglected to find out exactly where the damn thing was. I had hoped that there would be signs around town for it, but no. Nothing. I asked the girl at the counter when I paid for my breakfast if she knew what it was. She had never heard of it, but a local customer had.

“You mean Dr. Evermor’s place? Sure, I know where that is.”

It was located a few miles away from downtown. She gave me directions right to his door, and said it would be marked by a few metal sculptures next to an otherwise unmarked driveway. I drove by it twice before I figured out how to get in.

I parked my car on the grass and walked in. I turned a corner, and there it was.

The Forevertron.

It’s the largest scrap metal sculpture in the world, according to the Guinness Book of World Records. Do yourself a favor and click on the picture, so you can see more detail.

Words fail me as I attempt to describe the thing. It’s huge. Gigantic. It must have a million parts, all welded together by Dr. Evermor. It kind of looks like if Thunderdome had taken LSD with Nikola Tesla. Maybe that’ll help.

Surrounding the main structure were a variety of other pieces. There is an entire orchestra of metal bugs that are part insect, part musical instrument. There must be two dozen of them, some almost two stories in height. There are little children bugs watching the performance, and a little jazz band of what I think are frogs playing along.

There are all manner of robots and strange gun-looking implements all scattered about, and a dragon made of bells. There is so much going on that it makes you wish that it was covered up, only revealing a small part at a time, because it can be overwhelming.

I have a lot of pictures, which you can see here on my Flickr page.

Seated in the middle of this, seated in a wheelchair, attempting to move scrap metal from buckets into a barrel with a magnet on a stick was Dr. Evermor himself.

He has long grey hair, was wearing khakis and leather gloves, and was friendly, if not entirely straightforward. I’m not sure if he’s mad, or just a genius, or both. I asked him about how all of the individual pieces tied together. It was obvious to me that they must, because the intricacy of the parts and the meticulousness of their arrangement. What he told me made some sort of sense, but I’m not sure if he was telling me A story or HIS story. Big difference between the two.

From what he said, the Forevertron was the conduit for Dr. Evermor (either the man before me, or a representation of him in a story–like I said, he was unclear, and I chose not to get into specifics) to ascend into the cosmos (possibly with his wife, the Lady Eleanor… incidentally his ex-wife, an artist who designed many of the pieces there, also named Eleanor, was there as well, although she was keeping to herself).

The dragon, who can be played like a carillion, is tethered to the Forevertron for reasons I couldn’t quite understand. There were robots scattered around as well–one an undersea robot, he took the time to point out to me. Everything is is the celebration of his ascension, the band playing, the two trucks, one labeled ‘Epicurian,’ where you get your steaks grilled, and the other, whose purpose I’ve forgotten.

It was a lot of information to take in, especially since I didn’t understand half of it. But I think the man’s a genius, and so I didn’t ask any questions that could be construed as a critique of his sanity (like, but why? why here? Why so big? Do you know how insane this whole thing is?). I don’t think he’s crazy, just mad in the way of all great artists.

He also asked me some odd questions, like if I was a college graduate (he asked twice, and asked me to mention that when I signed the guestbook), and admonished me to stay sober (I told him I’d do what I could about that).

After spending an hour with his work and speaking to him, I helped him move all of the scrap metal on the ground into the barrel, bid him a fond adieu, and moved on.

Was it worth the 250 miles I had to drive to get to it?

Damn right it was.

During the course of this trip., I also went camping by myself, found a drive-in theater (yes, apparently they still exist), and put over 500 miles on my rented car (which fortunately came with unlimited miles). All in two and a half days.

To get home, I decided that I was going to drive east until I hit Lake Michigan, and then just head south, which I did. Maps are highly overrated. I was kind of startled when I found the lake, actually. I didn’t realize it was coming up so quickly.

This is the shore:

Driving south from there, I passed all of the mansions on the north shore of Chicago, where the very wealthy live, and got a call from my ex-girlfriend, a painter that I had called when I saw the Forevertron, knowing that she’d get a kick out of it.

She asked my if I had seen the World’s Largest Ball of Twine, ’cause it’s in Wisconsin, too.

Damn it! I would have made that part of my trip had I known. Well, now I have a goal for the next trip.

In honor of my return tithe folds of @thebookmaven, I’ve switched back to a more classic look.

This morning I received a dismayed message back from her:

@chizeck I do NOT have folds! @BlackAddler, @GourmetLawyer, aiuto! A l’aide!

I expect to have her reunfollow me at any moment.

For the record: I meant fold, as in I was a sheep (see, get it?  I was following her).

As I was typing the message on my phone, I also apparently promised to tithe to her as well.  I don’t see her complaining about that.

So allow this to be my official apology:  Bethanne does NOT have folds.  I am but an unthinking slavishly devoted follower to her.  And Expect the tithing to begin soon.

You know you want to hit this.

But don’t worry, folks, I’ve decided to revive the old girl. Old boy. Whichever you want to call it. Though I’ve promised this before, let me assure you that today is a new day! Honest.

I’ll even be updating the look of this thing, with it’s giant Helvetica header and annoying layout. It’s going to be spectacular.

And did I mention sexy? Mrrrrrrrrow.

Leno is a disgrace.

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way.

Yours,

Conan

Statement via Gawker

People were stuck in Newark Airport for what, six hours? after an idiot walked the wrong way through a security terminal. A guy named Josh Wilson was bored out of his mind, and this is how he entertained himself and others.

Me? I probably would have sat down with a book and sulked. Kudos to him for being a little more creative.