On Manners

On a scale of 1 to 10, how rude is talking in a movie theater? Compared to groping a newly married bride during a wedding reception or using the peanut butter knife in the jelly jar, it may seem slight, but in the humble opinion of the author, it ranks near an 8.

Please, take a moment and think to yourself about it . The theater is dark, you and your lady or fellow are sitting side by side, sharing a bucket of twenty-dollar popcorn, and behind you someone is opining, “Oh look! They’re going to fall in love!”

“She’s not going to throw that away!”

“That looks dangerous!”

Without even turning around, it was apparent that this woman was the type that more than likely moves her lips when reading. I would like to note that her child, who sounded to be about six or seven years old, also talked throughout the movie, but I’m inclined to forgive a child, especially one that has probably only been pooping in the toilet for a couple of years.

Both myself and my lady companion asked the woman, rather politely under the circumstances if you ask me, to please keep it down. Either she could not hear us under the explosions or the sound of her own voice, or she was ignoring us, because she continued throughout the duration of the film.

Following the conclusion of the film, I speculated about the possibility of carrying around a little squirt bottle, like the type you use to water plants, or more to the point the type you squirt a cat that has jumped up on the counter for the umpteenth time. Someone begins talking loudly during a movie?

Squirt!

Someone talking loudly on their cell phone at the next table while you are trying to enjoy a quiet dinner in a restaurant?

Squirt!

After presenting this option to my girlfriend, I thought perhaps using mace instead of water, and asked of the aggressiveness factor. 1 to 10, how appropriate would the water bottle be? She thought for a moment, and decided on a 7. But the mace? Not only was it a 4, but she mentioned that it would most likely get me arrested.

But the real reason she opposed the use of mace was due to the fact that would get mace all over the theater, ruining the movie for everyone else.

And that’s really the important thing, isn’t it?

Not getting arrested.

(photo by Diane Arbus)